Find the Love of Your Life

I'm in love. I've found the love of my life. I waited so long for the right person. My partner does everything I ever dreamed of in a partner and more. My partner actually listens to what I'm really feeling, talks me down when I'm feeling dark or negative thoughts. My partner gives me what I need when I need it, indulges me with care, gifts, and affirmations. I am so spiritually and emotionally full knowing I can put my trust into my partner's hands. My partner takes care of my home and family, champions me at work, and takes me on exciting trips around the world. I can count on my partner to back me up, push me beyond the limits I create for myself. My partner, my love, the love of my life - it's ME! That's right! Today's topic is all about self-love. Being true to yourself. Providing for yourself. Being confident in your self. I'm going to show you how to become the love of your own life.

Personal Story

Looking back at my teens, twenties, and even early 30s, I see how incredibly boy crazy I was. I spent so much time and energy thinking about love interests, douchey guys I met in a bar or or online, man-children, boys - and finding and pursuing the perfect relationship - that Cinderella story imprinted on me since I was a little girl. I always thought I would find the guy, get the guy, be total soulmates, get married, and have the perfect little family life with all of the superficial components. We would sit every year for our perfect little family Christmas card and then… Well, I don't know what I expected to happen next because I don't think I ever thought that far ahead! Did I really even know what kind of a person would make a good life partner for me given who I was and where I wanted to go in life? Did I even have a plan for life? What even were my hopes and dreams? What was important to me beyond this superficial Christmas card life?

What would have been valuable for me was to actually think about what I truly wanted for my life looooong before I got swept up into the shitstorm that is dating in the city - not just what I dreamt about in terms of a relationship or family, but who I was as a human, as a woman coming of age, an individual FIRST and then maybe save the relationship dreams for later. But the two were undeniably intertwined: who I wanted to become in my own life was all tangled up in these coming and going relationships. 

I would find a love interest, know nothing about him as a person really, imprint my vision of who I wanted him to be onto him, and then slowly become disillusioned by the whole thing as the illusion did not reflect reality. I would find out he was not Prince Charming, he was not coming to save me, and I'm not sure I even liked him. This became a pattern often leading to disastrous results: Dating failures, in my mind. Diminished self-confidence and self-image. Perhaps it was me. Was I just not loveable? I could tell stories all day long about how I let myself get carried away into low-value relationships all the way to high-value relationships that were just not a fit. The insecurity, the delusion, the time suck. But I digress. We don't need to dissect every single relationship I've had because folks, I am healed. I've transformed the relationship I have with others by transforming the relationship with myself. Now don't get me wrong, it’s a process, and it can be a messy upward spiral. 

The truth is that in those single and dating in the city days, I was far too willing to give up who I was for relationships and people I knew nothing about. I was a relationship shape shifter, bending, and conforming to the latest love interest in the interest of acquiring love, acceptance, belonging, the Christmas card version of relationship success. And boy was I not doing it well. I wasn't approaching relationships with my full, true self. I was accepting crumbs, half assed effort, red flag behaviors from irritating to full blown despicable at times. Some of these dudes were just plain wasting my time. Looking back, I can see that it wasn't always their fault. I had low standards. I put up with shitty behavior and didn't communicate standards or expectations. I didn't make clear what it was that I was looking for so I guess I couldn't really blame these guys for not doing the same. It's no wonder I wasn't able to find the love I desired - I wasn't loving myself or being true to myself and my emotional needs. 

A lot of these relationships would not end well. To extricate myself from a longer-term relationship, I would make a big exit, often avoiding a lot of communication about the things that were bothering me or allowing us to work through the difficulties. Instead, I'd start an unconscious revolt - seemingly suddenly it was all no longer working for me - I'd burn it all to the ground; ice someone out - just go full ghost mode; give a short but mean text lecture and bounce; one time I moved out while my partner was out of town and left a note. I'm cringing, telling you this by the way. That. Was. So. Cold. Who. Does. That?

But then I wouldn't even pause to reflect on what went wrong - with me, of course. There was a lot of blame. There was a lot of frustration. I knew that there were mistakes made, but I couldn't get far enough away from making these mistakes to take a good, hard look in the mirror. I'd feel guilty to some degree and take responsibility for my part on some level. But my life was moving so fast that I barely had time to look back before I was out on the next wild pursuit. In retrospect, I realize how terrible I was at showing up in the world. Like a raging toddler. Acting from a place of emotional childhood, not as a mature adult with awareness and restraint. My thoughts and feelings were running wild. I lacked accountability for my behavior and actions. As a result, I was not finding the love I desired, and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. The common denominators? Usually, someone got hurt, and usually there was a lack of or very violent communication. In other words, this was Toxic and a waste of time. 

I was not showing up as me. I was not communicating my real desires and emotional needs to the object of my romantic desires, so how could I expect anyone to match my expectations? I was not treating me well, so how could I expect others to treat me well? How could I expect to find the love I was seeking, if I wasn't able to communicate at a basic level what I needed? I. was. The. Problem.

This approach to dating and relationships is not the most healthy or nice pattern, but it is amazing how many of us spend the prime years of our lives in constant distraction looking for love - we are so imprinted with the idea that we as women must find love and marriage to prove our worth. Otherwise, who are we? Poor and alone? The Spinster? The Governess? The sad sack that is too old for love and defective? unloveable? The idea that we cannot simply profess, protect, and provide for ourselves is all around us. In the messaging we have seen our whole lives. Steve Harvey writes an entire book on how to Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. He tells us how to recognize a good man and avoid the bad ones. But the messaging still perpetuates the idea that I cannot do all three things for myself: Man free if I want! It's still all about the man.

What I propose is that it should not be all about the man. It's about you. This is your life - your opportunity to live out your dreams, find meaning, enjoy peace, so stop giving it all away.

Today, I am a very different person in terms of how I view romance and myself, and how I treat myself, more importantly. It was actually through becoming a single parent that I was able to progress out of this destructive pattern and develop a strong sense of who my adult self is, how to care for myself, how to truly be myself - authentic in relationships, at work, in my personal life - and shift the energy I put out into the world. I shifted my entire world view, emphasis, focus, and cares.

I spent my time and energy on what was truly important to me. My son, my career, building a business, and being with core friends and family. There were things I wanted to accomplish in my life. I had core values around how I wanted to live my life, and I focused my efforts in those areas. At the time, I was blessed with the constraint of time because it forced me to make hard decisions about what was really important to me. What I valued.

I stopped giving time to people who didn't merit my time or bring value to my life. I literally had and have zero guys in my phone who reach out with the "What's up?" "What you doing?" "You up?" text. Intentionally. Unknown number? I don't answer or reply to the text. I vacated those time-wasters from my life completely. I didn't have time to mess around with F**k boys, bullshitters, or situationships because I was busy doing meaningful work. Today, I often health check myself to make sure I'm spending my time with the right influences in my life. There's a well-known quote that says, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." This kind of speaks to the idea that birds of a feather flock together and shines a light on who you are showing up as. I definitely don't want my presence in the world to reflect a bunch of losers. I want to spend time with people who are bringing value, learning, growth, happiness, love. 

I took a major pause on dudes. I stopped searching. I stopped desperately trying to get the universe to respond to my begging for the perfect guy. The universe can sense desperation and lack of self-love and readiness for love a mile away - trust me. Almost zero dating for a couple years gave me great time to think about what I truly wanted in a relationship. It gave me time to grieve some of the should-beens too, the could have been so beautiful unrequited love scenarios in my mind. Carrying around unresolved emotional baggage is a real problem for so many of us. We bring the hurt, insecurity, lack of self-confidence, and bitterness into new relationships because we haven't paused to deal with it. I spent time evaluating the scenarios I had been hanging onto and released them. I realized that none of those guys was the lost love of my life, because if they were, the relationship would have worked out. IF someone is indeed the love of your life, that means the relationship is a fit. Both people want to be in and work for the good of the relationship together. If it didn't happen, you didn't lose the love of your life. It's really that simple. Took a while for me to realize that one! I spent a lot of time alone in reflection about what didn't work in past relationships and what my part was. As I got distance from the open wounds, they healed, and I healed as well. Now I was lucky because I also had a child that really helped me shift my attention from what was out there to bring it all closer to home - what mattered most to me.

I thought about what kind of person I would want to be in my son's life. And when I looked back on my dating patterns, that made me shudder. I definitely did not want to be one of those single parents who brings around multitudes of boyfriends and new daddy flavors of the week. I had seen too many movies to go in that direction. Bad shit happens to mommas and kids. My child already has a dad, and I was committed to NOT bringing a revolving door of guys into my child's life. I wasn't closing the door on love, but I was becoming very intentional about it. It made me consider the quality of attributes a possible love interest would have to have in order to be with me. Since I didn't have much time and energy to dedicate to dating, I was only willing to consider someone who was genuine, on the same page, looking for the same things in life as I was, a magnetic match of both mind and body. For many of us in our young dating years, the qualifications for a boyfriend (or girlfriend), are very minimal. Must be hot and cool. As we get older, it often swings in the opposite direction - I am only dating a man who is rich, smart, funny, hot, marriage material, tall, fit, likes sushi and world travel. We swing from one direction (zero qualifications) to being hypercritical as we try to control the parameters of our Cinderella fantasy. Both of these approaches to dating are a mess!

During my own transition, I learned to be comfortable with myself and live life on my own terms. Partly by force, partly by discovery and reflection. Previously, when in relationships, it was almost like the strong, opinionated woman that I am would melt into a blob. When it was time to pick a restaurant or an activity, I would transform into someone with no thoughts or interests of my own. It's like I suddenly couldn't remember what I wanted and who I was as a person. It reminds me of the submissive woman Eddie Murphy's character was arranged to marry in the movie Coming to America. Yes, the 1988 movie. Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy's character) asks the woman about herself and her interests. She replies, "Whatever you like. Whatever kind of music you like…" Well, this was not very interesting to Prince Akeem. So much that he escaped off to America to find true love. Over time, I realized that I wasn't bringing my whole self to relationships because I was afraid of letting that perfect guy on paper go. I was more focused on getting the package than the person. There was also a part of me that wanted someone to lean on - and being a relationship can in fact be an escape for high-performing, high-achieving women. We are so often chasing after our futures and success in male-dominated career settings, that it can feel nice to let someone else make the decisions once in a while. I realized that part of me wanted someone nurturing, and that was great, because it also helped me discover what I don't want in a relationship and what will not work for me.

Being single can be quite lonely at times, especially if you are not super outgoing or social AND double lonely if you are physically bound to a growing child 90% of your free time. I would always daydream about being able to do relationship and family-based things. Weekend brunch, I wanted to travel, take my boy out to experience the world, camp under the stars, etc etc. I can remember when my son was about two years old. I finally said, Fuck this - I'm not waiting around for the perfect romantic relationship to experience the world. I don't want to let this wonderful time in my life pass me by, so I'm going to go out there and do exactly what I want to do anyway - alone, or with my two-year-old. And so I did, and I have some of the best lifetime level memories because of it. We went camping in Tahoe, roasted marshmallows together in front of the fire. He had this little mini chair, and I a normal size one. It super stormed, we forgot our blow-up mattress and spent a miserable night sleeping in the car, got hyper scared hearing real or imagined bears in the camp. I have a picture of us cheers-ing drinks in front of the fire that really keeps the memory alive for me. These memories of living - really living a Bold life out on my own - feels like pride, achievement, love, family, individualism, courage, and freedom!
 

Since then, I never stopped waiting on anyone or anything to do the next Bold thing. I pursued my own passions and found my voice. I've gone on solo trips like to Dubai last year, I stayed in a swanky hotel, had cocktails at the beach club, and visited all of the architectural wonders. People were so surprised to find I was traveling alone - by choice. But by this time, the idea of spending a grand life with myself hardly phased me. Over the years, I had grown the spine to regularly and shamelessly have dinner and drinks alone at the bar and made Bold moves in my career life because I. wanted. To. - like opening my own businesses and climbing the corporate ladder. Taking cruises and moving to a new state - because I can. And because I wanted to. I became limitless! My strong relationship with myself has allowed me to trust myself, my capabilities, and the results I can achieve. I know that whatever comes at me, I can not only handle it, but I can thrive because I can always count on me. I know that I will show up for myself and that I have a shit ton of value to any table. Now, if the right man comes along, great - but it’s a nice-to-have. Not a need to have. 

This self-confidence, knowledge of self, and courage caused great shifts in my world. I was focused on my own goals and passions. I learned my emotional needs and developed strong boundaries to uphold my priorities. I completely transformed my "need" for a relationship to complete me to showing up for myself. I respect my interests, priorities, boundaries, and peace far too much to give them all away, especially to someone less than deserving or just not ready for the Bold life I have planned.

There are a few actionable takeaways for you if you are looking to transform your romantic relationships and the relationship you have with yourself.

• Take some time alone. Period. Spend time with yourself out in the world doing things you love - just      because. Or in between relationships. to really pause and reflect on what went wrong. WHY you acted the way you did? What could your own behaviors in the relationship teach you about your core values, needs, desires. Just start with what you don't want!
• Treat yourself with compassion. We all want to be loved, but when you are desperate for love, there is a hole to fill in your heart, with self-love first. We've all      heard that expression: "How can someone else love you, if you don't      love yourself?" Treat yourself with the love and care you wish you were receiving. Treat yourself. Give yourself rest. Allow yourself time to grieve old relationships and grow as an individual.
• Treat yourself as a high-value woman. Respect yourself by not putting up with bullshit in relationships or otherwise. Being able to communicate clearly, directly, and with dignity goes a long way. With all of the dating apps today, some of the characters and their messages are just appalling. If you want to go on an app to get some action, then more power to you; but also realize that if you are looking for a solid partner with good moral character, it’s a red flag when they get super sexual up front or don't follow basic manners in conversing with you early on. If that's how they act at the beginning, you are really in for it later! Take off the googly eye glasses and remember your standards.
• Take some time to clearly identify what you want for your own life. In 10 years, what do you want to accomplish? What if you could accomplish anything you wanted, without barriers or limitations? Then set an action plan. Execute. Don't allow distractions to get in your way.
• Let love come to you. It is true that love won't find you eating ice cream in your living room on a Saturday night. But there is something to be said with spending time with yourself and not being the chaser in relationships. Spend time doing what you are passionate about. You want to find a partner who is on your wavelength. If you don't want a fuck boy who spends his weekends out drinking with buddies at the club, don't look for a dude at the club on a Saturday night.
• Don't wait for a knight in shining armor to live your life. Get out there and live solo! The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. So take care of you. Treat yourself with love and compassion. And always have fun.

My own personal transformation to self-love was not perfect. Sure, I made a few poor decisions in the last 12 years - the universe was likely testing me as I developed my new sense of self. It brought me some interesting tests for sure. But they were mostly brief, and I quickly got the hell out of there once I realized my mistakes. And I moved on, back to me, who I am, what I need, and what I want for my life.

A solo relationship is self-love. Self-love is lasting. It's confidence. It is freedom. It is empowerment. It is spending your energy where it counts - you. It's building a life to provide meaning and happiness for you. You are the love of your life.

If you are ready to do focused work - to achieve your goals, attain next-level success on your own terms, let's get going. Visit me at TheBoldLife.coach for a Strategy session.

- Jamesyn